What Happened When Vive Bagged A Ticket To The Royal Wedding (ft. chatting up Camilla, getting hot under the collar with Theresa May and er... ruining the first kiss).
It's the biggest day of the national calendar (yes, FA Cup final day of course) and Vive is surrounded by hundreds of screaming, slightly inebriated folk waving flags and shouting at a group of privileged people a few metres away. Fully aware of the fact that we're probably going to watch some drawn out event for an hour and half, for only 2 minutes of real action (which will be replayed countless times anyway) and with the unavoidable stench of horse manure stinging the nostrils, there's only one place we can be!
Yes, you guessed it - fresh from scooping all of our protein powders into luscious, light protein shakes all week, we've got another type of scoop. With Mr Markle missing the main occasion, we've only gone and bagged a ticket for the wedding of the year.
Okay, maybe we'd much rather be behind the scenes at another location beginning with 'W' and on the outskirts of London but beggars can't be choosers and apart from the 20-odd mile difference, it more or less could be the same anyway.
As the crowd bottlenecks through the wide, oak doors and the pews slowly become littered with celebrities, politicians and Royalty, our head is spinning like a barn owl's on a perch, looking for all those famous faces and wondering who's going to take the empty seat next to us. We catch the eye of Camilla and give her the 'How are you?' nod. You know the nod you use to pretend that you recognise the distant family member who you must have met at a prior family gathering.
We notice Camilla is on her own and, brushing our fringe with a sweaty palm, dismissing any chance that Prince Charles has been taken ill, we think it's our chance to swoop in like a hawk and make a move. Just as we're about to subtly say hello, we remember Charles has agreed to walk Meghan up the aisle in her father's absence and accidentally let out an audible sigh of disappointment.
As the chapel bells toll and the clergy start to lead the seemingly endless procession up the aisle, we can only assume that the person allocated the empty seat next to us and just a few rows from the altar must have got cold feet. We start to stretch our legs a little and get comfortable with the extra space we've been afforded. As we start to daydream about the FA Cup final, a gentle tap on the shoulder brings us back to the present and we turn to see the familiar face of Theresa May.
Suddenly more nervous than we were on our first ever date, our cheeks blush red and in Eminem's words, our 'palms are very sweaty'. Struggling to come up with some small talk and countlessly reminding ourself not to mention Brexit, we almost literally spit out details of our 'Mega May' offer to fill the silence. Luckily, she's pleasantly amused and promises to sign up (we think the 'TheresaMay' discount code may have swung it in our favour) and we suddenly relax, proud that we've not mentioned the 'B-word' before inexplicably spluttering 'It's the best deal that Britain's going to get'...Oh no!
Thankfully, we're saved from further embarrassment by the small matter of a Royal Wedding to get on with and luckily, along with the rest of the congregation, we refrain from objecting to the marriage of Prince Harry (who's looking dapper) and his new wife (also catching Vive's proverbial eye). A hush descends on the chapel as the crowd await the pair's first kiss as a married couple and just as lips are about to meet, Vive immediately lets out an excited shriek but not from the juvenile anticipation of a kiss. Our phone has buzzed. 1-0 Chelsea, 89th minute goal. Get in!